Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
