the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
