I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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