I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
