saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
