I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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