I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
