The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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