I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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