I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
