I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
