There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
