Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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