I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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