It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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