Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
