After last night, I could never be a politician.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
