he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
