my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
