This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sext me about skeletons
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
