woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
