Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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