Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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