Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
