I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
