Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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