The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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