So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i now understand why vodka
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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