The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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