Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can text with my tongue
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
