how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
