Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
