The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
