the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
