you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
