I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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