I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
