I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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