were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
