The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
