my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
