Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
