Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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