You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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