You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
