no, he came in my armpit
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
