I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
