My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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