I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
