You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
