How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
