Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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