I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
