rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
