The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
