Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
